That was truly some great writing. Very rich in detail and sooooo dark. I wouldn't venture to try to direct you in any particular direction. Just go where the muse takes you. That's the best advice you'll get. You've got a bright future ahead of you as far as the writing goes.
Love the name Vain. Honestly a rceptacle for untold gallons of human blood. Falling stars and blood rituals. Right up my alley.
If you ever want to try your hand at any more writing I could use a good peice for my Avalon zines. Something to grab peoples attention that would go on the back covers. Just thinking out loud, haha. No pressure.
Loved this and need more of it. What it does best: it makes personal and visceral this threshold of the body and the monstrous. The crisis of category for this effigy, too, is especially notable. What the hell is it?! This type of work would do well as a vignette to this region where you either serve or succumb
This is a good first or second draft. You have a solid grasp on plot and description, but you lack subtext, and your prose is rough. You write what is happening well enough, but there's no color to it, no perspective. Let me try to turn that into some actionable advice though.
1. Vain's perspective isn't really coming through very well. Things are happening, but he isn't commenting on them in the descriptions. What does he think about the Order of the Thanes, and how is that reflected in the adjectives and adverbs you use to describe them. Is he annoyed with them? Subservient to them? Scared of them? That will affect how you describe them, and it goes for everything. Is it cold? How cold? What adjectives would he use to describe it? Is the wind biting? Does he have to worry about the occasional flake of snow landing in his eyes?
2. Your prose needs work. Be wary of filter words. "He saw." "Apparently." "He heard/fe;t/smelled/etc." For example, "It appeared they had found something there, in the center of the depression." becomes "They'd found something there, in the depression. " Or "They continued to work and Vain felt a trickle of cold sweat despite the freezing air." becomes "They continued to work. Despite the winter chill, a trickle of cold sweat ran it's way down Vain's back. This was wrong."
Vain may have felt it, but you want the reader to feel it too. By removing the filter word 'felt' and restructuring a little bit, you bring the audience in closer they start to feel nervous.
3. Try reading this out loud. It will help you hear the places where your prose is a little awkward, and will help you find a way to make it sound more natural. For instance: "The snow came down around them like a living thing - it howled, twisted, turned." Snow doesn't howl. The wind does. "Howled, twisted, turned." The comma's are throwing the gait of speaking off a little. If you have to use the phrase try "Howled, twisted. Turned." or "Howled, twisted, and turned." See if they work better.
I'd recommend being a little more descriptive with the snow and splitting the effects up properly. "Pale flakes of snow danced violently to the sound of howling wind. Here, in the upper reaches of the Stonecrowns, the weather itself could be a man’s worst enemy. That or the Thenn. 'Honestly,' Vain thought, 'I'd almost prefer the Thenn at this point.' A little overwritten but it's a start.
Really like the short story! Very creepy and evocative.
It would be super cool to see these from time to time maybe as campaign openers or as side stories tied to the overall campaign. (Kinda like Tales of the Manticore does with their dramatis personae)
I really liked the contrast of Vain thinking about his wife and son, and then cutting the woman’s throat. Great imagery throughout. I hope you write more. Kal- Arath please.
This is fantastic. I would love to read a story set in Kal Arath myself.
Thanks so much! KA goes on the list first, as the first requested one.
That was truly some great writing. Very rich in detail and sooooo dark. I wouldn't venture to try to direct you in any particular direction. Just go where the muse takes you. That's the best advice you'll get. You've got a bright future ahead of you as far as the writing goes.
Thank you so damn much, Andy, that means a lot to me. I appreciate you taking the time!
Wow! Pretty intense and held my attention. Poor Vain. What happened to Fallyn? And very creepy monster! Great job! 👏🏻
Thanks so much for reading and the feedback!! Fallyn’s fate is either presumed, or - remains to be seen.
Love the name Vain. Honestly a rceptacle for untold gallons of human blood. Falling stars and blood rituals. Right up my alley.
If you ever want to try your hand at any more writing I could use a good peice for my Avalon zines. Something to grab peoples attention that would go on the back covers. Just thinking out loud, haha. No pressure.
Looking forward to more my friend.
P.S would love to see some fiction for Kal Arath.
Good story. I subscribed.
Thank you so much!
I liked this a lot. Nice details, like the hide of the scabbard being shiny with age... Pleased to hear Kal-Arath will be next!
Thanks so much Thomas appreciate you checking it out
Loved this and need more of it. What it does best: it makes personal and visceral this threshold of the body and the monstrous. The crisis of category for this effigy, too, is especially notable. What the hell is it?! This type of work would do well as a vignette to this region where you either serve or succumb
Oh, and my vote: Mournwatch. 100%
This is a good first or second draft. You have a solid grasp on plot and description, but you lack subtext, and your prose is rough. You write what is happening well enough, but there's no color to it, no perspective. Let me try to turn that into some actionable advice though.
1. Vain's perspective isn't really coming through very well. Things are happening, but he isn't commenting on them in the descriptions. What does he think about the Order of the Thanes, and how is that reflected in the adjectives and adverbs you use to describe them. Is he annoyed with them? Subservient to them? Scared of them? That will affect how you describe them, and it goes for everything. Is it cold? How cold? What adjectives would he use to describe it? Is the wind biting? Does he have to worry about the occasional flake of snow landing in his eyes?
2. Your prose needs work. Be wary of filter words. "He saw." "Apparently." "He heard/fe;t/smelled/etc." For example, "It appeared they had found something there, in the center of the depression." becomes "They'd found something there, in the depression. " Or "They continued to work and Vain felt a trickle of cold sweat despite the freezing air." becomes "They continued to work. Despite the winter chill, a trickle of cold sweat ran it's way down Vain's back. This was wrong."
Vain may have felt it, but you want the reader to feel it too. By removing the filter word 'felt' and restructuring a little bit, you bring the audience in closer they start to feel nervous.
3. Try reading this out loud. It will help you hear the places where your prose is a little awkward, and will help you find a way to make it sound more natural. For instance: "The snow came down around them like a living thing - it howled, twisted, turned." Snow doesn't howl. The wind does. "Howled, twisted, turned." The comma's are throwing the gait of speaking off a little. If you have to use the phrase try "Howled, twisted. Turned." or "Howled, twisted, and turned." See if they work better.
I'd recommend being a little more descriptive with the snow and splitting the effects up properly. "Pale flakes of snow danced violently to the sound of howling wind. Here, in the upper reaches of the Stonecrowns, the weather itself could be a man’s worst enemy. That or the Thenn. 'Honestly,' Vain thought, 'I'd almost prefer the Thenn at this point.' A little overwritten but it's a start.
Really like the short story! Very creepy and evocative.
It would be super cool to see these from time to time maybe as campaign openers or as side stories tied to the overall campaign. (Kinda like Tales of the Manticore does with their dramatis personae)
Also, I'm gonna vote for Kal-Arath
I really liked the contrast of Vain thinking about his wife and son, and then cutting the woman’s throat. Great imagery throughout. I hope you write more. Kal- Arath please.